Are you over it yet? I think I am….
I called my Mum on Day 4 of the ‘NEW NZ’ and she said she is already ‘over it’. I’m sure you might relate. After listening to Brene Brown’s recent podcast, here are my thoughts, capturing some of her thinking and my own….
There is a collective ‘hit of weary’ in our society, and it’s especially true for those on the front line, serving the New Zealand community. I am sure we’re all feeling tired both inside and out. It is also apparent for those of us who live with others, who aren’t used to being at home around each other as much as we are. The exposure to so much ‘up close and personal’, while being a gift, can also be wearying for those who simply aren’t used to it.
At present we should try to ‘normalise’ as much as possible. If you feel and act as ‘normal’ as you possibly can, so will your friends, family and colleagues. The adrenalin surge of this crisis has propelled us through the first waves of Covid -19. The moment of crisis has brought New Zealanders together and I’ve been inspired by the amount of collective good will that is apparent in our neighbourhoods. Not only is there financial assistance available from government etc, but genuine kindness is happening in our neighbourhoods, flowing out to many in the most ‘normal’ ways. This is heart-warming.
I would encourage us to consider in our conversations the level of mess we are in, and the overwhelming seriousness of this situation. The ‘adrenalin surge’ part of this crisis will come to a conclusion, and many of us are realising that this is our new ‘normal’. So what’s next? This crisis is not one which will follow the natural rhythm of things we have faced before. It is different to a terrorist attack or a natural disaster, and it doesn’t have an ebb and flow that is predictable. It is going to be a long-distance run for New Zealand, and this remote form of working and living may extend longer than we hope. We are, however, fortunate to be in the hands of a leadership experienced with managing crises. They have a track record of navigating tough times, enabling most of us to have realistic confidence. Therefore, I’d encourage us to consider the ways we order our work and personal lives to ease our way through this ‘new constant’.
Success will be found in your ability to really talk through with your friends and loved ones how you are honestly feeling about this ‘new normal’. Part of the success we’ll uncover moving forward is by shifting from a place of fear and anxiety to developing a clear path forward for our business and personal lives. If you consider a coin, we often think there are only two sides – heads and tails. Heads we win and tails we lose. However, there is a third side to every coin, which is its edge. The edge can represent our perspective and how we respond to situations - that changes everything. Going back to heads and tails, we know in our lives that there will be challenges and wins. There are times when we feel we are on top of everything, and other times when we feel everything is crashing down around us. The edge of the coin is the place which exists in between heads and tails. We can all live there. Living on the edge of the coin is the place of balance between the extremes of a situation - including this one we now face. The edge of the coin enables it to roll forward after it has been flipped. You might have felt like your life has been flipped recently, however I encourage you to find your ‘edge’ and allow yourself to move forward. The ‘move forward’ will be based on what you know and bring clarity with what you can reasonably form in your mind. So, here are some practical things you CAN do right now to make things better.
1 Limit your News Intake – As much as it’s great to be informed, we get to saturation point and we probably have the wisdom to know by now that all news is ‘extraordinary’ which often means bad.
2 Limit your Screen Time - Find one or two reliable sources that YOU trust, centred around science and epidemiology of Covid - 19. It’s important to sort out between those which spread calm and those which are obvious fear mongers.
The next part of ensuring you’re taking care of yourself is to be connected with a caring community. If you are in a relationship and living with someone then it’s likely you have a person you can confide in. However, if you are single you might like to consider a friend or colleague online or on the phone who you could consider being ‘real ‘with.
Check in with each other regularly – What happens when a group of friends or a partnership is not meeting one another in a mutual place? It’s highly likely at present that the people you live with or are friends with are not feeling in the same place of comfort as you might be. One vital question to consider as you meet is what do you feel you have to bring to those around you right now? It will be impossible for you to converse with friends or colleagues and expect that they can meet you in a 50/50 place of exchange. It will be most likely that your partner or friends will be feeling quite depleted right now. Therefore, one of the keys to getting through this will be acknowledging to each other how you are feeling. For instance, it may be that you are only operating at 10% at present. Could it be possible that you might be able to ask someone else to bring their 40% to the table to help you at this time?
It’s time for a higher degree of transparency in our relationships. In our relative levels of ‘tiredness’, I encourage you to develop a way of communicating with those that you love where you can ‘name’ where you are honestly operating at. If you’re able to identify where each other is at, the one who is feeling most depleted, or has the most to offer, can step in and help the other. It may be as simple as sharing what percentage you are operating at with the kids, with your relationship, and with your friends. Take a moment to ask those you care about where they are really at. Discover the gap between your depletion and their ability to resolve. It may make your check-ins and catch-ups much more favourable and you’ll be able to resolve some of the complexities you are facing.
Then there is the practical stuff
Get regular sleep! – Enjoy your sleep. This may be a perfect time to sleep in a bit more than usual. You probably have the luxury of time.
Device time - Don’t take your devices to bed with you or have them on the bedside table. If you don’t believe ask Simon Sinek for his advice on that!
Move your body – One of my grumpiest days of lockdown was when I realised that I hadn’t done any exercise and my wife virtually shoved me out the door for a late afternoon bike ride. She was right and I came back a better Andrew.
Eat well in this crisis – A crisis can lead to crazy habits (mine is potato chips), and we get addicted to sugar and so we rise and crash on insulin. Eat well and stay healthy.
No harsh words – Be kind to those around you. They are going through this with you and its new ground for them as well. No harsh words with nice faces and no nice faces with harsh words – speaking kindly to each other will definitely help us all get through this.
Accept apologies and give them – Acknowledge that you may have hurt someone you love due to anxiety. They will appreciate your apology.
Have fun – Have a joke night/play board games/select the movie you all want to watch/ cook together, and a million other things you can do TOGETHER. There are a billion suggestions and ideas online of things to do.
Don’t allow fear of not having enough be a motivator in your life. The supermarket lines and overdose of bad news can create a panic mentality within us. We can be drawn into a false belief that we won’t or don’t have enough and feel ‘compelled’ to do things rather than embracing the freedom to choose when it suits us. Don’t allow the circumstance to drive you down. You can take charge of your circumstances. There is enough for us all and we can share what we have.
And finally, our emotions do not go away. You might be in a good place or you may be in a terrible place right now. It’s important NOT to rate our fear or pain in light of how another person might be feeling. The negative emotions we feel will get stronger when we deny them. Our bodies and minds have a way of amplifying things we feel to an unrealistic level. I’m sure you’ve experienced this? Therefore, it’s ok to acknowledge how you feel right now to yourself and to others. As I shared at the start, the collective weariness that everyone is feeling is a state that we shouldn’t ignore. It’s important NOT to ration our kindness, our generosity, our love and our positive thoughts. Give them freely to others and don’t forget to also allow yourself to feel those things every day.
I hope that some of these thoughts have provided fuel to encourage you, and the ability to find your ‘edge’ and allow yourself to move forward.
Cheers, Andrew
Here are some external references which might be useful for your well-being at this time.
Brene Brown Podcast Unlocking Us is her new series helping people cope with the changes we all face
The NZ Institute of well-being and Resilience https://nziwr.co.nz/resources-publications/
NZ Mental Health Foundation https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/home/ways-to-wellbeing/
Parenting Place (for all things family) https://www.theparentingplace.com/articles/
Claire Turnbull https://www.claireturnbull.co.nz
Lifeline https://www.lifeline.org.nz/contact-us
The Flourishing Institute http://theflourishinginstitute.com/covid-19-4/